Part 1:The Self-Centered Sea
My system of navigation is broken. My compass is imperfect, often leading me in the wrong direction. On the sea of friendships and family, my perspective is tainted. My focus is flawed. I view my relationships through a self-centered lens.
Viewing my loved ones in this light changes the way I act, the way I treat them, and the way I treat myself. I am of primary importance. What I want and need should be the number one on their list, just as it is on mine.
I selfishly take and I selfishly give. I take as if I’ve somehow earned my keep. I give seeking a return, as if love and generosity are an investment in which the interest builds up over time. I’ve heard it before, “Love isn’t a one-way road”. I’ve believed it. It’s one of the many things I’ve had a wrong view of.
Let me correct that statement. “Love shouldn’t be a one-way road.” But sometimes it is. That’s part of life and something I’ve been learning and I think a lot of people need to learn. Sometimes you give and don’t get back. Sometimes love is a one-sided affair. Don’t believe me on this philosophy. Let me argue my point for a second.
Love took Jesus down a one-way road that led straight to a cross and a cup filled to the full with God’s wrath.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About what drives me and motivates me towards love and good works. Often those motives are impure. But I’ve also been thinking about the things that I want to drive me. About the man I want to be to the ones I love. What characteristics I want to exhibit to show Christ’s love. I’ve been thinking about one specifically.
Loyalty.
What is loyalty?
We’ll go a little deeper than the typical definition of showing support for a person or institution.
Loyalty is being there for someone no matter what. No matter what. That’s the tough part right there.
(Sidenote: I’m in no way saying someone experiencing abuse or something of the like should stay in that relationship. Simply saying that I think often relationships are given up on simply because they’re hard at that time.)
I want to look at a couple of different examples of what loyalty can look like. One from a fictional piece and one from the Bible. This to show that loyalty doesn’t necessarily look the same from person to person, but that the fundamentals remain true despite different circumstances.
Part 2: The Friend That Stays
I hear a lot about people leaving friendships because the other one was being toxic. Let me tell you something. Just because you’re being treated poorly or someone is exhibiting bad behavior is not necessarily an excuse to leave a friendship. If as Christians our goal is to do what’s best for ourselves or what makes us feel good, then yeah, go for it. But I pray I have the strength to remain by my friend’s side even when they’re at their worst. I believe that is what loyalty is. It’s not just about looking at a person as who they are in the moment. But looking at the circumstances surrounding them. Looking at who they have been and looking at the potential of who they could be.
Loyalty does not mean excusing bad behavior. It can certainly mean calling them out. But it does not mean giving up on them even if they are consistently acting wrongly.
Love, in the biblical sense of the word, is sacrifice. It is giving one’s self up for the betterment of others. It is being inconvenienced, torn down, hurt, and broken, but resolving to continuing loving and encouraging despite what could easily hold you back.
And maybe there are some relationships that need to be ended. But just ask yourself if that is really the case or if you’re just giving up because it’s “too hard”. Maybe you’re that bright spot this person needs to break out of the darkness they’re in. Don’t say, “I’ve tried a thousand times and nothing changes.” Who are you to say this won’t be the time you are used to bring a change? Don’t take for granted the work that God can do and the fact that He wants to use us for it.
Optimism is of utmost importance for this kind of loyalty.
Take the example of Samwise Gamgee, a hobbit from The Lord of the Rings trilogy. His optimism might be called foolhardy by some. But this was one of his greatest strengths. His ability to see beauty and goodness in the darkest of places. And it aided him in his loyalty to Frodo.
He recognized the negative circumstances and influences contributing to the change in Frodo. But he didn’t leave. He stayed with him.
There is a song by Andrew Peterson called “To All the Poets”. The chorus says:
And you keep on dreamin’ When all the dreams fade When friends desert me You’re the ones who stayed To write the prayers when every prayer had been prayed
This song struck me. Brought tears to my eyes. You’re the ones who stayed. This has been often my prayer lately. “God give me the strength and grace to love them even when it’s hard. Even when it hurts.”
Oh how I want to be the one that stays!
Part 3: A Necessary Separation
But sometimes a separation is necessary for the benefit of the person you care for.
Jonathan and David in the book of 1 Samuel are such an example. Scripture says multiple times, from chapters 18-20, that “Jonathan loved David as his own soul”. Jonathan proved this love and loyalty to be true in Chapter 20. Saul desired to kill David. So Jonathan and David hatched a plan.
“And Jonathan said to David, ‘Come, let us go out into the field.’ So both of them went out into the field. Then Jonathan said to David: ‘The Lord God of Israel is witness! When I have sounded out my father sometime tomorrow, or the third day, and indeed there is good toward David, and I do not send to you and tell you, may the Lord do so and much more to Jonathan. But if it pleases my father to do you evil, then I will report it to you and send you away, that you may go in safety. And the Lord be with you as He has been with my father. And you shall not only show me the kindness of the Lord while I still live, that I may not die; but you shall not cut off your kindness from my house forever, no, not when the Lord has cut off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth.’ So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David saying, ‘Let the Lord require it at the hand of David’s enemies.
Now Jonathan again caused David to vow, because he loved him; for he loved him as he loved his own soul. Then Jonathan said to David, ‘Tomorrow is the New Moon; and you will be missed because your seat will be empty. And when you have stayed three days, go down quickly and come to the place where you hid on the day of the deed; and remain by the stone Ezel. Then I will shoot three arrows to the side, as though I shot at a target; and there I will send a lad, saying ‘Go find the arrow.’ If I expressly say to the lad, ‘Look, the arrows are on this side of you; get them and come’ --then, as the Lord lives, there is safety for you and no harm. But if I say thus to the young man, ‘Look, the arrows are beyond you’ –go your way, for the Lord has sent you away. And as for the matter which you and I have spoken of, indeed the Lord be between you and me forever.” Verses 11-23
Indeed, Saul intended harm for David and they were made to part ways.
“As soon as the lad had gone, David arose from a place toward the south, fell on his face to the ground, and bowed down three times. And they kissed one another; and they wept together, but David more so. Then Jonathan said to David, ‘Go in peace, since we have both sworn in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘May the Lord be between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants, forever.’’ So he arose and departed, and Jonathan went into the city.” Verses 41-42
As far as we know, those two only saw each other once more before Jonathan died. During the time Saul pursued David, Jonathan found David’s camp and this only to encourage David in the Lord (1 Samuel 23:16-18). And loyal to his vow, after he was king, David showed kindness to Jonathan’s son Mephibosheth (2 Samuel 9).
Jonathan’s love and loyalty to David were completely unselfish. And in this case, his loyalty meant separation was what was best for David.
Perhaps this is the most difficult and painful part of loyalty; the recognition that sometimes you are not what is best for someone you love.
Part 4: Conclusion
If there is one characteristic I want to exhibit to the people I love, it is loyalty. Through thick and thin. Through the good and the bad. When they’re at their best and when they’re at their worst.
And here’s some encouragement. I’ve seen it firsthand. All of the hardship you might endure for being loyal to someone, even when it’s hard, is totally worthwhile. Loyalty can be trying but when you see them breakthrough…it’s beautiful.
Loyalty is an exhausting experiment in unconditional love. In a nutshell, loyalty is the ability to see what’s best for someone and doing your best to steer them towards it. All in all, loyalty is knowing when to say yes and when to say no. It is offering yourself to someone entirely. It is being there for what they need no matter what.
No matter what.
Comments